When You Lose Someone – ‘Literally’..

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This morning when I sat to drink my coffee, I couldn’t control the tears. ‘Khaali pet chai coffee mat piya kar’, he would say. ‘Don’t drink tea or coffee on an empty stomach!’. 

I wonder if a person really goes away from your life after they cease to exist in form. When you lose someone close to you- literally, you realize that they never really cease to exist in your life.

I don’t know about others- but I’ve always dreamt a lot. My dreams have been too real, and once I wake up, it is too hard to come to terms with the real life. Because what I saw with my eyes closed is as real as what I see with open eyes. This morning it was a pain to wake up again to reality after what I saw in my dreams, and must have been even more painful to start studying for the exam coming up- so I chose to pour my heart out again before I get back to the real life.

This day, last month, was the last day that my dad lived on Earth. He passed away on 12th March, and since that day, I have neither gone to sleep peacefully, nor woken up peacefully. Who said he doesn’t exist anymore? I see him smiling as soon as I lie down in bed to sleep. I see him smiling, and laughing, and cracking his silly jokes over and over again. Some nights I have to shed all the tears that my eyes can shed, to be able to finally fall asleep with tired eyes. Then he comes in my dreams. Who said he doesn’t exist anymore? In my dreams, I see him in new settings, new places, and he creates more memories with me. Memories that are as real as the ones we lived together. But memories that become painful, as soon as I wake up. Because every morning, when I open my eyes, its like losing him all over again.

When you lose someone quite literally, you realize how different it is from losing a friend, or a lover after you break up or choose not to talk to them anymore. That person exists, but doesn’t bother your existence. You hate them for what they did, every bad word they said to you, but when you lose someone literally, you realize that whatever problems you had, they didn’t really matter more than the person itself. You realize how different it is to voluntarily go away from someone’s life, but when someone ceases to exist in form, you want to forgive everything they did and have them back. So I would say, Do it today! My dad always told me ‘Sab log ache hote hain‘ – that every person is a good person deep down. Only situations make them do what they do.. but deep down, deep deep down, they’re a good person. It is only now that I fully understand these words.

When you lose someone literally, you only lose them in form. Who shall take them away from your mind, heart and soul? Who shall erase their words ringing in your head? Everytime I drink coffee on an empty stomach, I hear him scolding me. Everytime I close my eyes, I see him laughing and hear him bragging that he had perfect teeth. Everytime I sleep, I see him. Its painful. Because these are dreams of separation. But people say it’ll get better with time.. Maybe it will reach a point where I live a second existence in dreams, and create happy memories with him again? Who knows what is a dream anyway? Maybe then this waking life would be a happy place to live again.

सोचा था तुम चले जाओगे तो…

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सोचा था तुम चले जाओगे
तो सब कुछ बदल जाएगा.
मगर ये सूरज,
ये तो ना उगने से थकता है
ना ढलने से डरता है.

सोचा था तुम चले जाओगे
तो ये भी मेरी तरह
बादलों की चादर में गुम,
उठने से इनकार करेगा.
मगर देखो ना,
कैसी चमकती धूप खिली है आँगन में!

सोचा था तुम चले जाओगे,
तो ये चिड़ियाँ मायूस सी,
मेरी तरह चहकना भूल जाएँगी.
शायद पेड़ो की डालियों में कही च्चिप जाएँगी.
मगर देखो ना,
ये तो नया ही कोई राग गाने लगी हैं.

सोचा था तुम चले जाओगे
तो तुम्हारे बाग़ीचे के फूल
मेरी ही तरह, तुम्हारी याद में मुरझा जाएँगे..
मगर देखो ना,
ये तो बरसात आने पर फिर खिल गये.

सोचा था तुम चले जाओगे,
तो सब कुछ बदल जाएगा..
मगर देखो ना,
सब कुछ तो दुनिया में वही है..
बस हम बदल गये.