When You Lose Someone – ‘Literally’..


This morning when I sat to drink my coffee, I couldn’t control the tears. ‘Khaali pet chai coffee mat piya kar’, he would say. ‘Don’t drink tea or coffee on an empty stomach!’. 

I wonder if a person really goes away from your life after they cease to exist in form. When you lose someone close to you- literally, you realize that they never really cease to exist in your life.

I don’t know about others- but I’ve always dreamt a lot. My dreams have been too real, and once I wake up, it is too hard to come to terms with the real life. Because what I saw with my eyes closed is as real as what I see with open eyes. This morning it was a pain to wake up again to reality after what I saw in my dreams, and must have been even more painful to start studying for the exam coming up- so I chose to pour my heart out again before I get back to the real life.

This day, last month, was the last day that my dad lived on Earth. He passed away on 12th March, and since that day, I have neither gone to sleep peacefully, nor woken up peacefully. Who said he doesn’t exist anymore? I see him smiling as soon as I lie down in bed to sleep. I see him smiling, and laughing, and cracking his silly jokes over and over again. Some nights I have to shed all the tears that my eyes can shed, to be able to finally fall asleep with tired eyes. Then he comes in my dreams. Who said he doesn’t exist anymore? In my dreams, I see him in new settings, new places, and he creates more memories with me. Memories that are as real as the ones we lived together. But memories that become painful, as soon as I wake up. Because every morning, when I open my eyes, its like losing him all over again.

When you lose someone quite literally, you realize how different it is from losing a friend, or a lover after you break up or choose not to talk to them anymore. That person exists, but doesn’t bother your existence. You hate them for what they did, every bad word they said to you, but when you lose someone literally, you realize that whatever problems you had, they didn’t really matter more than the person itself. You realize how different it is to voluntarily go away from someone’s life, but when someone ceases to exist in form, you want to forgive everything they did and have them back. So I would say, Do it today! My dad always told me ‘Sab log ache hote hain‘ – that every person is a good person deep down. Only situations make them do what they do.. but deep down, deep deep down, they’re a good person. It is only now that I fully understand these words.

When you lose someone literally, you only lose them in form. Who shall take them away from your mind, heart and soul? Who shall erase their words ringing in your head? Everytime I drink coffee on an empty stomach, I hear him scolding me. Everytime I close my eyes, I see him laughing and hear him bragging that he had perfect teeth. Everytime I sleep, I see him. Its painful. Because these are dreams of separation. But people say it’ll get better with time.. Maybe it will reach a point where I live a second existence in dreams, and create happy memories with him again? Who knows what is a dream anyway? Maybe then this waking life would be a happy place to live again.


Whispered dreams .

She slept soundly through the night ;
only partially waking up at dawn.
When the cold sweet light
crept through the windows,
he filled up her mind,
appearing in dreams that were whispered
to each other, cuddled together
on sleepless nights.

Dreamy eyes .


Many a sleepless nights I have spent,
longing for love.
With wide open dreamy eyes,
I’ve built many a wonderful stories.
With a breaking heart inside,
I’ve tried to cage in the bird of hope.

Every night I kept myself awake in desire,
Not wanting to fall asleep with a punctured heart.
But everytime someone came and slapped me to sleep.
And I woke up to reality with a bandaged heart and tired eyes.

Yet, only for the bandage to tear apart,
and bring me back to useless yearnings.

Because I know not how to live any other way.

Through Unspoken Words .

Painting by Raja Ravi Varma (19th Century)

Painting by Raja Ravi Varma (19th Century)

They had met only in dreams.
Dreams of a distant time,
when machines hadn’t yet
taken over life .
And much was said,
through unspoken words.

Their eyes did the talking,
as they stood in a crowd.
The temple bells ringing,
declaring their rise in love.
And much was said,
through unspoken words.

The letters that she handed him,
smelt sweet like her body.
And the winds that played with her sari,
ignited a smile on his face,
which then took her breath away.
And much was said,
through unspoken words.

. A Girl and A Bird .


In harsh voices they shout,
“You’re a girl, you’re a girl!”,
In reality and in dreams,
I feel like a bird.

That little creature is not
Always a symbol of freedom.
Like us, her life has changed
From season to season.
I see her flying in the sky,
It reminds me of the dreams
That occur to me,
Silently in my bed when I lie.
She has the infinite blue ocean
Up and below, to wander.
I have an ocean of desires,
That play in my head
When I wonder.

My dreams of freedom,
Her life’s beautiful season,
Both are brutally beaten.
She is put into a beautiful cage,
With fluttering of wings,
She shows her rage.
Is there no difference in our lives?
I too live in a cage,
One which seems beautiful from outside.

And Oh yes I know
where the difference is sown :
Her beautiful cage,
can be seen by all.
But mine has impenetrable,
invisible walls.